I was almost asleep when someone enters the tent. By the pinkish glow, I know for sure it's Logan.
"Are you alright?" I ask.
"Yeah..." He lies behind me and breathes out.
"You... shouldn't have..." I say and trail off. Logan doesn't respond. I can only hear his shallow breaths. "Are you cold?"
I unzip the sleeping bag and cover both of us. Logan moves closer. Now I can feel his breath on my neck. My heart is pounding, racing. And I feel tingling in my chest. Just like before... Maybe I feel Logan's shining? But... it's actually nice.
"Adam..." Logan whispers. I turn to him, and his lips brush my cheek. My heart speeds up more. And then something else happens. It's like I skipped some time. But I find myself kissing Logan. Being kissed by Logan. I don't know who started it. It's just our lips are pressed against each other.
And it happens fast. And it's hot. And my head is spinning. It's not like it was the first time.
Logan is above me, and my hand is on his neck, sliding up to his nape. He dives down and kisses my neck. And then I feel like a cold needle pierces my chest. I gasp.
I open my eyes and look around. My heart is still beating fast, and I try to figure out what happened. I look at my zipped sleeping bag. I'm alone.
There is no one else in the small tent but me. It was a dream. I fall back down and rub my face.
Shit...
The cold in my chest remains. I peek inside my t-shirt... And I can't believe my eyes. The shining is gone...
A wave of fear washes over me. I cover myself with the sleeping bag and look again. In the darkness, I can see a feeble, quivering light. Sometimes it disappears completely.
I don't know what I feel. My head is empty. I thought I would be happy... relieved... free. But I feel none of it.
I get out of the tent and go to have breakfast. Mitch and Mike stand near the fire pit and talk to Laticia and Sandy. Logan sits near the teacher's tent. When I see him, I feel an urge to come closer, but the fluttering chill in my chest prevents me from taking a step.
I take breakfast from Caulter and return to the tent. I check my shining again. There is almost nothing. I feel somehow desperate. I don't know how to tell Logan about it... What if his shining diminished as well? Then it's ok, I guess...
Yeah, I need to calm down and talk to Logan. If it's the same with him, then it's good, right?
Trying to ignore the growing feeling of sadness inside, I eat my breakfast. When finished, I pack my things and fold the tent back into the sack.
After what happened yesterday, I wasn't going to stay anyway. Logan helped me and got into trouble. So I can't just stay here and have fun. And my new state of shining troubles me even more... I need to speak to Logan. It's all I can think of.
I hand the sack with the tent to Caulter.
"I'm heading back too..." I say at his questioning look. He purses his lips but doesn't say a word. I see Mitch, Mike, and Logan standing with the bags at the edge of the road. Cameron talks to them. And then they move, following him. I speed up and catch up with them, falling into step beside Logan.
They notice me. Logan smiles. His smile is broad and happy. But the next second he seems confused and averts his gaze.
"I got a cold. I have a fever. Caulter let me go," I explain to Cameron, and he nods.
"If you feel bad, tell me," Cameron says. Mitch snorts, but Mike only frowns, and they go ahead.
For a while, Logan and I go in silence. Logan walks close, so our shoulders touch. I think he needs to recharge his shining. We spent the night apart. But I'm afraid he can't do it.
"Do you really have a fever?" he asks finally, turning to me.
"No..." I shake my head.
"Then why?"
I throw a glance at him.
"Because it's not fair," I answer, and Logan snorts.
"You always try to... I don't know... go about things the right way... like in the books, do you?"
I shrug. "Maybe. I just... try to do what feels right."
Logan huffs. The silence drags on.
"I'm not sure I would have been able to find you in the woods... Especially now," I say distractedly, and Logan looks askance at me.
"Really?" He asks. "But... you said that that night, before camping, you felt that something was wrong."
"Um..." I'm getting nervous. "Well... yeah... but finding a person is a.... it's... it's different..."
"You do realize that I can actually tell if you're lying?" Logan says with a half-smile.
"No, you're not..." I say uncertainly.
"I can," Logan smiles.
"You're bluffing..."
"No, I'm not," Logan shrugs and purses his lips. "I can tell when you're scared or angry. Hell, I can tell if you're hungry or need to take a piss," he chuckles. "Not that I wanna know it..."
"What the...? Please tell me you're joking..."
Logan laughs. "No, I'm not." He stops smiling and looks ahead.
"But you just asked me if I had a fever for real!"
"Yeah... I was just checking. You have no fever, but... your shoulder is sore," and he turns and looks intently at me.
"Shut up!" I utter. "You're messing with me! Of course, my shoulder is sore. I crashed into the man!"
"Yeah..." smiles Logan. "About that. You said you didn't like football, but you tackled him like a pro," and he lets out a small laugh.
We go silent for a while. I keep thinking about what Logan said. Can he really tell what I feel?! How is this possible? It's like his connection grows stronger despite the fact that my shining is dying out.
Maybe he's just messing with me...
"So, why did you come that night?" Logan asks; his voice sounds serious. He catches me off guard.
I shouldn't feel embarrassed about it. I decided that I was wrong, that I wanted to take responsibility for my actions, that I wanted to apologize. There's nothing to be ashamed of. But it's still hard to say for some reason.
"I was... I was worried that... I hurt you. Like, for real... that you couldn't stop the pain," I draw a breath and let it out, without looking at Logan. "And I wanted to check on you. And... apologize... for... those words I said. And... that I wished you were dead... that was wrong. And I'm sorry." Finally, I bring myself to look at Logan's face. He silently stares at me.
"You do live by the book..." he says after a long moment.
"No, I mean it..." I insist.
"I'm not saying you didn't mean it. It's just... are you always so right?"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Logan looks at me and shakes his head. We go another few minutes silent.
"Do you want me to apologize?" He asks. I shrug.
"Only if it's sincere. Otherwise, it's pointless."
Logan grows thoughtful.
"This thing... shining, it makes no sense," says Logan after a pause.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean us... it makes no sense. And still, we have to stick together..."
"Well..." I look at him nervously. Why do I worry so much? It's like I don't want to upset or scare him. "Actually... I can be away..." I look at Logan.
"Really?"
"Yeah... my... my shining... it's so small, I don't need to recharge it, and it doesn't drain my strength out... so..." I sigh heavily. I don't know how to bring myself to say it. And this isn't really a good place and time.
"It's only me then," Logan concludes grimly. "Now it makes even less sense than before."
I tug the collar of my t-shirt and look inside.
"It almost faded..." I look at Logan seriously, and I guess he feels the weight of my words. His face changes, becomes pensive. And he says nothing.
"Look... I'm not ditching you, ok?" I try to cheer Logan up. "I mean, we still can find a solution. To get you out of this." I turn to Logan, but he's looking away, his face hard. "And I think you can do the same thing I did."
"What thing?"
"You know... the thing I just apologized for... the hate speech."
"Do you want me to..."
"I'm not saying I want it," I cut him off. "But it might work. And since you... you know... used to hate me... for some reason... I think you can use it to break the ties. Like I did."
Logan turns to me and stares at me for a few seconds as if studying my face.
"So you actually meant it?"
"What?"
"The things you said. Why apologize now if it was true?!" He raises his voice. "So much for your sincerity."
"No... not all of it was true! I exaggerated! But... yeah, I had a base to start with. And what you did back then... it was wrong."
"What? Kissed you?" Logan tilts his head.
"Yes, and shoved your hand into my pants too."
"But you didn't mind it the first time. The kiss, I mean."
I blush rapidly.
"It was different..." I utter.
"How?" Logan keeps pushing.
"I don't know!" I exclaim and speed up to leave Logan behind. But I trip and fall, landing in my arms and scratching my palms and knees.
Logan comes closer and squats.
"Don't you dare say anything," I croak.
He narrows his eyes and looks at me with a mix of empathy and mockery. He reaches out his hand and helps me get up. But he doesn't let go of my hand. We stay and stare at each other. Logan's eyes glitter. He makes several deep breaths and opens his hand.
I lower my gaze as if I try to find something to switch my attention on. And finally, I notice my jeans are dirty and ripped on the knees. I take off my backpack and put it on the ground. While I pat my jeans, Logan shoulders my backpack and heads down the path.
"Hey!" I call on him. "It's my bag! I can carry it myself!"
"It's more of my size, don't you think?" Logan grins. "Here, let's switch," and he hands me his duffel bag. I see no point in arguing, so I take his bag. The rest of the way we go silent.
When we reach the gates, Cameron gets a car. Mitch and Mike stand aside from us, and Logan pretends they don't exist.
Cameron drives us to the school. I sit in the back seat, squeezed between Logan and Mitch. They both look out the window. My side is pressed to Logan's, and I feel him trembling from time to time.
"Adam, are you feeling ok?" asks Cameron, looking at me through the rear-view mirror. "Are your parents at home? Should I call them?"
"No, no, I'm fine," I reply hastily.
"I think it's better to drive you home."
I glance askance at Logan and Mitch.
"Thanks," I finally say.
"Can I open the window?" asks Logan suddenly. I glance at him. His cheeks are red, and his breath is shallow.
"Yes," says Cameron and pulls at the school. Mike and Mitch get out, but Logan stays. I move to the vacated seat.
"Are you ok?" I ask him. Logan turns his face to me, but instead of an answer, he draws a deep breath, leans his head against the headrest, and stares at me.
"What about you, Logan?" asks Cameron, when returned to the car.
"I live near Adam. So if you don't mind..."
"No, I don't mind," says Cameron and drives away from the school, leaving Mitch and Mike behind.
When we reach my home, Logan gets out of the car with me. Cameron drives away. Logan lingers, but then he takes his bag and is about to leave.
"Hey..." I call out. "Maybe we should talk... about what we do next?"
Logan's standing with his back to me.
"Do you wanna come in?" I ask. I can't see his face. I don't know what he thinks, but he's clearly not ok. At last, he turns to me, his eyes sparkle frantically. He shakes his head.
"Maybe later," Logan says in a strange voice and leaves.