After 15 minutes of pointless watching at clouds, I notice a familiar figure. Logan approaches me and sits down behind me, with his back to me. I turn my head and see how he picks a grass blade and starts twirling it habitually. Then he leans back on me.
"Is it ok?" he asks. I'm surprised at this, but I think he really needs it, and... in a way, I need it too.
"Yeah..."
We are sitting in silence for some time, our backs pressed against each other. I don't know how to start this conversation about shining.
"So... how it ended?" I ask first.
Logan huffs, "Detentions. A lot. Mitch got away."
"So you and Mike?"
"Yup."
"Did you..." I say after a long pause. "Did you really tie that guy to a goalpost?"
"Yeah," Logan breathes out.
"And because of it, you dropped out?"
"Yeah."
I pause, thinking if I should ask further.
"And... why did you," I stop mid-sentence.
"He was a newbie," Logan utters hoarsely and reluctantly. "And cocky. He was aiming to take my place... and... well, he got it after all."
I don't know what else to say. That I feel sorry for him? That it was his own fault?
"Did you like playing football at all?" I ask instead.
"Kinda," Logan sighs.
There's a long pause again. Logan shivers from time to time.
"You wanted to talk," he says at last, and I get nervous again.
"Is it charging up?" I ask, ignoring his question. Logan doesn't reply at once, as if trying to feel something.
"No, I don't think so," he says finally and moves to sit near me. Now I can see the side of his tired face. He looks askance at me.
"Did you sleep?" I ask.
"Not much." He clenches his jaws and locks his hands together.
"And it isn't getting smaller?"
"Why the questions?" he furrows his brow.
"Just tell me," I insist.
Logan sighs and shakes his head, looking down.
"Can you show?" I ask. He looks sideways at me and then tugs his sweatshirt up. His chest is shining. The glow is reddish, and it pulsates chaotically. Logan pulls the sweatshirt down, hiding his shining again.
"What about you?" he says. And I pull my t-shirt up. Logan stares at my chest intently.
"It's gone," he states.
"Yes," I say apologetically. Maybe because I feel sorry for him. "Actually, it happened yesterday. I woke up, and it was gone. Sometimes it gives a small sparkle and... that's all. And I..." For some reason, this is the hardest part to say. "I don't feel anything..."
"But yesterday you said it was small, not gone."
"I didn't want to scare you..."
Logan snorts, then furrows and clenches his jaws. His eyes wander around the field aimlessly.
"I thought it couldn't be like this..." he says as if to himself.
I look at him. Can it be that he googled the information too? Or maybe he spoke with other shining ones?
"I thought so too. I've never read about such a case," I say.
"Oh... I feel so special," Logan grins faintly. The silence becomes heavy.
"Look, we have no other option. We need to try it. I mean, what else do we have? Pills are pricey and don't work. We don't have time or money to seek effective ones. So I think we need to, at least, try and do that. It worked for me; it can work for you. It's just stupid not to try. While you're still standing." The last sentence I say as a side remark, but Logan hears it nonetheless. He doesn't react to my words.
"Come on," I get up and look at him. But Logan remains in place. "We need to do it!"
Logan gives me a silent look.
"Come on," I insist. "You can't stay this way!"
Logan studies my face and then grins softly, "You worry too much."
"It's not time for joking!" I exclaim. "You can die! Come on!"
Logan gets up unwillingly.
"So, it can hurt, but I'll be there and... I don't know... I'll help you somehow," I think out loud as we go. "And I think we can use painkillers. Did the booze help?" I turn to Logan, but he seems withdrawn, and my question startles him. He takes a moment to think and then shakes his head. "Ok, then no booze... Where should we do it?" I ponder.
"My father is at work," Logan says.
"When he'll be back?"
"In three days or so. He is a long-haul truck driver," he explains when I look at him with an inquiry.
"Oh... okay... then we can go to your place?" I ask carefully. Logan sighs and nods.
"Yes, I think we can."
"Look, Logan," I stop and turn to him. "It'll be ok. You'll get rid of it and come back to your life. To your friends, to... Nina..." As I say it, I realize how insincere I am. I mean... I want to help him, but...
When we get to Logan's house, I notice that my hands are cold and shaking a bit. I guess I'm nervous. I don't know what's coming out of it. Maybe my idea is bad... But the other idea is...
Logan opens the door to his room; it's still messy.
"I think we need water and a towel..." I say anxiously.
"I'm not going into labor, you know," Logan chuckles mirthlessly.
"Yeah! Yeah... I mean..." I stutter. "But it'll burn and... Ok! Just... You stay there." I point to a place at Logan's bed. "And I will be here." I stand in front of him, two steps away. I take off my jacket and hang it on the chair nearby. I take one really deep breath, trying to calm myself.
"Ready when you are," I say in a stead-ish voice.
Logan is standing in front of me and keeping silent. Then he averts his eyes from my face and gulps. Is he nervous too? Ok, let him take his time...
Though the waiting only makes it worse. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Most likely, it won't hurt me. But Logan... His shining seems bigger than it was at that time. And I said that I would help, but honestly, I have no idea how I can relieve his pain if it starts. Once, when he was in pain, I just put my hand on his chest, but back then I had shining.
"You ugly bastard," Logan speaks up at last quietly and reluctantly. It does not affect either of us.
"Come on," I lick my lips nervously and rub my sweaty palms on my jeans. "Be serious," I look at him plainly, and he stares back intensely. And after a very long and stressful minute, Logan breathes out and spreads his arms.
"I can't do it," Logan utters.
"What do you mean you can't?!" I snap. "Do I have to stick my hand into your pants, too?!"
"It doesn't work like this," Logan grins.
"Okay, then just do it!"
"I don't know what to say."
"You've never had problems with that!" I sneer, and I'm surprised by it myself. Logan's glance changes at that.
"I can't," he repeats stubbornly.
"Look," I soften my voice. "It's scary, I know. And it may hurt... but... This thing will drain you out. It will kill you."
"You don't know that."
"I don't wanna test it!" I shout back. Logan's calm or indifference or dumbness irritates me. Why can't he understand?!
Logan seems taken aback, and I don't know why. He furrows and looks down at his feet.
"Come on!" I spur him. "You called me a bookworm! Remember? And a moron! And a freak! And my first day at school! You punched me in the face when I stumbled on you! Remember? Or... or that time when you almost broke my nose! Or beat me till I had bruises!" I don't notice as I start speaking louder and louder. A lump stands in my throat, and I'm not sure why but I'm on a verge of tears. Logan looks up at me. "Don't you remember any of that?! Come on! You treated me like shit, you must have had a reason!"
The last sentence sounded like a scream. It rings in the room. Logan winces and clutches at his chest instinctively, but quickly puts his hands back down. I shut up and make two quick steps toward him. I reach out to his chest and stop. Logan looks surprised. I breathe in starts and fits, trying to control my trembling hands. It went not as I planned... and it's bold of me to say that I even had a plan...
"I didn't have a reason," Logan says suddenly. He looks at me. His eyes are cold, dark, and deep. "You just were an easy target, and I'm a bad person, that's all."
I have no shining, but I feel the pain right in the middle of my chest. I lower my head; I can't look at him.
I step back from Logan, but he takes me by the wrist unexpectedly, and I stop.
"But... I'm sorry, I really am," Logan says, his voice raspy. Words don't come easy. We're staring at each other, and I try my best to control my face. I notice that Logan's shining changed. It stopped pulsating, and its color turned less red and more pink.
"It won't fix anything," Logan continues. "But... I should never have done it to you." He shifts his gaze nervously and makes a quick breath through his nose. "After all I've done to you, you stood up for me... And you're still here, trying to help me. Even without shining. But I can't... I can't do it. I don't hate you, and I don't want to."
He opens his hand and lets go of my wrist, but I remain on the spot. I can't believe he said it... The pain in my chest transforms into something else. A warm pleasant feeling. I look at Logan silently. His eyes are glittering, and his shining goes red again and starts pulsating chaotically.
"But you'll die..." I say almost in a whisper.
Logan smiles.
"Maybe not... maybe yes," he shrugs lazily. "Just leave it, ok? You've done more than enough. Do you remember my motto?" Logan feigns another smile.
"Fuck it and have a good time while you can," I reply mechanically.
"Wow, you actually remembered!" he grins and shivers.
And again... this nasty feeling... Powerlessness. But before, I felt it when it all depended on my physical strength. Now... It's different, but the feeling is the same. I can't pull away from Logan. Can't leave.
"Did it hurt when I spoke?" I ask, trying to sound confident and firm. Logan gazes at me and nods slightly.
I think his shining still reacts to me. While we have at least some connection left, I need to do something. I open my mouth and inhale. I look at his face and... I can't do it either. Not after what he said to me... Plus, I'm not sure it'll work as needed. I can just hurt him in vain. And I don't want to hurt him at all.
We stand facing each other. My heart is trembling as my hands. Shining or no shining, I can't let it happen.