What happened with me in the trial keeps surfacing. Every time the last bit comes up, I can feel something in me break a little more.
Failure after failure stacks against my chest like something with actual weight. I just want a break for once.
I spent weeks on that circle, all that work, and after everything I went through to get here, this is what happens. As per usual.
Just fucking great.
I'm done trying. What's even the point if everything just wants to go against me. There's no reason to keep doing this if I already know how it ends.
I got close to ending it once. Closer than I'd like to admit. But then I met her, and everything suddenly seemed more bearable with her there.
"And now I don't have anything." I mumble.
It was going just… perfect.
But this godforsaken universe just had to take that too.
If I don't have anything left to go for, might as well live long enough to find out what happened to my parents. My original goal. Feels dumb saying it now, but it's still there.
"Lyanna?"
She's zoning out, nearly sliding off the seat. Comes back at the sound of her name.
"Yes?"
She looks a bit better than she did an hour ago. Still barely smiles. But the small one she gives me now is at least real.
I watch her for a second.
This is where it starts.
"Tell me. Did you see your parents in there?"
Her body tenses.
"I.."
I take my hands off the controls and put them on her shoulders, cutting off whatever she was about to say.
"Just tell me. We've both seen something similar. And we both need a fucking break."
Her face goes blank as the cart rolls to a stop.
"But—"
"Oh for god's sake. Just tell me. I won't judge."
She turns toward me. I bite down on my lip.
This part is real. I'll start with the part that's real.
"Wanna hear something. Someone I loved died because of a miscalculation I made. Right in front of me. She died because of me. It's killing me slowly, knowing it was my fault. Knowing she suffered in those last seconds because of me."
The guilt floods back in. My whole world tilts again, but I hold steady this time.
"Do you have any idea why I kept myself alive after that?"
Here's where it stops being only real.
I watch her face. The way her breath catches. The way her eyes are already filling before I've even gotten to the part that matters.
This is going to work.
"I don't want to leave you alone in this hell. It took the life out of me leaving you when we first met."
That part's true too. I'm just choosing to say it now, at the exact moment it'll land hardest.
Tears start running down my face. I let them.
"I CARE. That's why I'm asking."
My vision blurs and I get out what I wanted to say. It comes out exactly how I needed it to, even with the other reason sitting underneath it the whole time.
Lyanna's emotions break loose and she wraps around me, crying into my shirt.
I didn't expect it to work this fast.
Something in my chest sits there, cold and satisfied, watching her cry into me. I made that happen. I knew exactly which words would do it and I used them anyway.
I don't feel bad about it.
That's the part that should scare me more than it does.
My head ticks. A strange clarity settles over everything for a second, like watching myself from slightly outside my own body. I did that. On purpose. And some part of me enjoyed doing it.
What the hell is wrong with me right now.
The sounds around me start to choke out. Hyper-aware but somehow distant at the same time, like the volume on the whole world just got turned down to nothing. My vision tunnels.
I'm going to pass out again, aren't I.
My broken jaw seems to have not healed fully. My legs still ache. The trial took something out of me that hasn't come back yet, and I just spent the last of whatever I had left manipulating a traumatized child into crying so I could feel something other than grief for thirty seconds.
My body's been keeping score the whole time. It's done waiting for me to notice.
Sensation drops out of my legs. My ears ring. The world spins even though nothing's moving.
"I feel… tired.."
Everything goes.
"Aarius!?"