"I wondered how many people there were in the world who suffered, and continued to suffer, because they could not break out from their own web of shyness and reserve, and in their blindness and folly built up a great distorted wall in front of them that hid the truth."
― Daphne du Maurier
________________________
Qinyang looked around the restaurant and found Zixuan waving at her.
"Over here!" her friend’s loud voice attracted the attention of several nearby tables. Curious onlookers all turned their heads towards the front door.
Qinyang immediately noticed their stares and shyly cast her gaze down to her sneakers. The other diners were astonished by her lovely appearance and whispered excitedly about the identity of the mysterious, beautiful young lady who had just entered the restaurant, but she could not hear them.
That familiar, nagging voice in the back of Qinyang’s head kept taunting her.
‘You’re hideous,’
it sneered.
‘Don't look up,’
she thought to herself.
‘They are probably laughing at you.’
Squeezing her eyes shut, she felt a sudden dizziness and tried to steady herself. She continued to keep her gaze fixed on the floor as her feet brought her to the table where Zixuan was waiting for her.
As Qinyang arrived and seated herself, Zixuan realized her friend’s anxiety was getting to her again. Feeling guilty, the young woman placed her hand over Qinyang's.
"Qinyang... It's okay,” she said soothingly. “They are not talking about you. No one is."
Qinyang’s heart rate calmed a little from her friend’s comforting words, but she was still a bit agitated.
"Why did you have to call me out so loudly?" she whispered, shielding her eyes with one hand.
Zixuan smiled awkwardly, "I'm sorry... I won't do it again."
She then grabbed a menu and shoved it at Qinyang’s face in an attempt to divert her attention to something less worrisome.
"Here! Pick what you want to eat."
Zixuan knew people tended to stare at Qinyang because of her beauty. Her looks were every guy's dream. Even the current Miss Korea, who was arguably considered one of the prettiest women on the planet, would be jealous of her! Unfortunately, because of Qinyang's social anxiety and low self-esteem, she could not embrace her own appearance. Beautiful was far from what Qinyang considered herself.
After the waitress took their order, the pair began discussing the details of Qinyang's upcoming interview.
"So, the position I applied for you is the Director of Design,” Zixuan explained. “The duties include things you have always been doing. They’ll send you whatever products or goods they want to market, and you’ll be responsible for designing the promotional ads to attract customers. That’s the gist I got when I asked the assistant what the position entailed.”
Qinyang bit her lips nervously.
"Isn't it true that… the position is actually much more challenging than they let on? I read the email you sent. Lee Corporation, was it?"
Even the company name gave her a bad feeling. It reminded her of someone from her past.
"Challenge is a good thing,” Zixuan shrugged and rested her chin against her palm. “Plus, I applied to that position for you because it would make excellent use of your skills. You have a rare talent for seeing things from different perspectives and enhancing their best traits, no matter what it is."
Qinyang knew what Zixuan meant. Her work ethic was one of the few things she acknowledged about herself. Even if her client told her to advertise a dirty, old rag, she would try her absolute hardest to design something that would convince people to buy it.
Still, she doubted.
"What if I fai—"
"Stop being afraid of being judged. What happened to that confidence you had when you were younger? I believe it’s still in there somewhere."
Though she hadn’t personally known what Qinyang was like in the past, Zixuan frequently asked the other girl to open up and tell stories about her younger days. She was surprised to learn that Qinyang was one of her high school’s top students and actually even used to be class president.
Qinyang’s stories, however, always stopped short when it came to the end of her high school life. Zixuan was able to surmise the reason. Qinyang never told her what happened to make her so anxious as an adult, but Zixuan was aware that the incident was something very traumatic for her.
Although, Zixuan had noticed there was a notable exception to Qinyang’s anxiousness. If she sincerely wanted to help someone, like an innocent child, her anxiety would quickly disappear and she would readily put herself out there to do whatever it takes to solve the problem. Her tendency to withdraw only acted up whenever she was placed in a new environment or if she was being stared at, making her feel like she was being judged.
"I'll try..." Qinyang sighed in resignation.
Zixuan decided to tease her a bit more to ease her worries.
"Qinyang, I never asked this before, but have you ever experienced romance?"
Qinyang squinted her eyes at the other woman.
"I don't know where you’re trying to go with this, but no. I never dated anyone in my life."
"What?! For 24 years?”
Zixuan’s jaw nearly dropped. She refused to believe a beauty like her had never been involved with anyone before.
“You led a lonely life all this time? Not even in high school?"
Qinyang shook her head, "Nope. What's the rush, anyway? I'm still young."
"Then, did you have any romantic interest in a guy before?"
Qinyang paused for a moment and pensively sipped her tea. Memories of him filled her mind.
"I did... Actually, I still do."
Zixuan’s ears perked, and she leaned in further.
"Ooh... so there is someone! Who is it? Is he handsome? Why do you like him? Are you still seeing him?"
"You seriously need to fix that habit of yours. Ask one question at a time,” Qinyang sighed as she stirred her tea.
After a little while, she continued reminiscing.
“I haven't seen him in years. We met in high school. The girls in my school found him hot, I guess... But to me, I found him a bit annoying at times, and he often liked to tease me. I can’t really say when or why I started to like him. It’s just… his presence was comforting, that's all."
"Hmm.... then did you think he liked you, too?” Zixuan mused, in full interrogation mode now. “Did you confess or did he?"
Qinyang thought of the last conversation she had with him.
"No. Neither of us did. He told me he saw me as a sister, so after that I decided to see him as a brother."
Zixuan sighed in defeat when she realized that the story ultimately led nowhere. She picked up her chopsticks and stuffed her mouth with kimchi.
"Eh... that's no fun,” she pouted at Qinyang. “I wanted to tease you, though."
Qinyang smiled but her heart felt a bit heavy. In fact, she did regret not telling him how she felt, but she believed that he got the message regardless. There were quiet times when she still thought about him and wondered if he occasionally thought of her. After all, she did leave without saying anything.
‘He probably doesn't want to see me again, anyway.’
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"Fengyuan, have you booked the flight to Shanghai yet?" Junting didn’t even look up from the email he was composing as he asked the man who had been lazily lying on the sofa for a while now, playing with a ball in his hand.
The aforementioned man jolted upright and immediately cleared his throat.
“Yes, Junting. We need to leave in an hour to check-in."
"Good," Junting nodded as he scrolled through the rest of his emails.
Fengyuan glanced at the man in front of him, tilting his head and wondering why Junting suddenly wanted to go to Shanghai a few days early. The timing was a bit unexpected since it was ahead of the round of interviews they were set to conduct soon.
Though he didn’t say anything, Junting felt Fengyuan’s inquisitive stare.
"A client wants to discuss expanding their business’ branch in Shanghai," he explained.
Fengyuan shivered and goosebumps raised on his arm at Junting’s sudden words. Really, he didn’t think he would ever get used to that part of him.
"Dude, you should really stop reading people's minds!"
"I didn't. I just studied a bit of psychology," Junting shrugged as he gave Fengyuan an innocent look. In reality, it wasn’t hard to guess people’s intentions, especially since he had experienced people approaching him with ulterior motives many times before.
"That’s why I don't get cheated by women easily," he added with a smirk.
Fengyuan felt a pang in his heart and flushed at the jab.
"You… you said that on purpose, didn't you?! I hope a curse falls on you, Junting, and you won't be able to get married or even date anyone!"
Fengyuan grumbled and stomped out of the office.