The letter stated that she, herself, the Pontiff of the Celestial faith, wanted to meet me… again. Though hopefully this time with a nicer welcome that apparently would pick me up as soon as tomorrow.
“Does it say what they want?”
“Not really, just that it’s urgent; it’s also unusually short, with the greeting part almost bigger than the actual letter.”
It was certainly shorter than those lustful letters but also shorter than a simple invitation to a tea party. Not something I would have expected from an organization such as the church. I guess that goes to show how urgently they wanted to meet me again. Maybe I should consider myself lucky that it wasn’t today.
“Well then I guess it’s best if we use our limited time together.”
By now we had already sat back down on the cosleeping bed with a stack of opened letters between us. Janus began to close the distance between us, and as I was just about to let myself go, the stacked letters between us collapsed, and my mind returned to reason. I pulled back and stood up, much to the displeasure of Janus, who looked at the fallen stack as if the insentient pile of paper had somehow cursed him with unending celibacy.
I picked up the fallen stack and sorted it again before putting it on the changing table next to the now empty bag. I asked while avoiding his gaze,
“Wasn’t last night enough? Besides, we still have other things to do and I…”
Before I could finish, Janus simply pulled me onto his lap like some might do with a kitten, his arms wrapping around me, his face pressed into the hollow of my neck as he breathed me in. I could feel myself melting, ready to lose myself in him again, but I didn’t want another night ending in tears and regret. I remembered how I had cried myself to sleep, haunted by my own cowardice, by all those years spent alone, too afraid to reach for anyone. I couldn’t keep running from this—not from him, not from myself. We needed to talk.
Janus noticed that I didn’t engage and gave me a puzzled look.
“Is everything alright?” a bit flirtatious, he whispered. “Usually you are so eager.”
Stay strong, Stay Strong!
“I… You… Sigh, we need to talk.”
Next to me, Janus exhaled deeply. Before asking,
“Is this why you changed beds in the middle of the night?”
“You noticed?”
“Of course I noticed. Every time I’m the first to wake up and have to wring myself out of your grip.”
“Grip?”
“Like a monkey.”
He chuckled slightly, and even I had to smile a bit at the thought. Then he admitted,
“Today it felt lonely”
“Isn’t it the same when I sleep with the babies?”
“It is, but I don’t want to stress you even more.”
I turned, searching his eyes for any hint of a lie, but all I found was honesty staring back at me. It caught me off guard.
“Stress? Is this the reason you stayed away? Because you thought I was stressed?”
Under my repeated question, Janus looked a bit embarrassed and, for the first time, maybe a little stupid.
“Yes. With the babies and everything, I thought I’d be just in the way.”
After a long pause where I didn’t say anything because I was still too shocked and he was hesitant, not wanting to incur my wrath, he finally asked,
“Am I not in the way?”
“No, of course not! Sigh, I feel so dumb! The whole time I thought you just didn’t want to spend any time with your kids and me.”
Next to us in the crib, Alexander had gotten his hands on one of Janus’s old wooden toy horses and was sucking on its head while Seraphina was staring towards her father with big, pink, curious eyes, doing her best to raise her oversized head. I had almost forgotten them with Janus embracing me like this, but suddenly it gave me an idea. I wriggled out of his embrace, leaving Janus a little lost. I then picked up Sera, who only then turned her head towards me, flashing me a cute smile before grabbing the neck of my dress with her tiny hands and pulling herself close, during which she got a glimpse of Janus again and went right back to staring.
Of course, I noticed and turned to Janus. Without another word, I handed Sera over to him. She nearly vanished between his large hands.
“Wait, what am I supposed…?”
“You put one hand under her butt, and with the other you support her neck.”
“And then? What am I…?”
“You just hold your daughter. I think she likes you.”
I shot Janus a look of exasperation, but it faded quickly. Teresa had managed to devour most of her potato—well, half of it, anyway. The rest was smeared across her cheeks and clutched in her tiny fists. I fished out one of the endless rags from the changing table, dipped it in water, and gently wiped her clean. She was still hungry, so I loosened my dress and let her nurse, the morning light spilling softly across us.
When I glanced up, Sera was still fixated on her father, her little hands clutching his shirt as if she might never let go. Janus, meanwhile, was watching me, his gaze lingering in a way that made my cheeks warm.
I cleared my throat, hoping he'd look away, but his eyes stayed on me.
It was flattering, in its own way, to be wanted so much. Still, with the children right there, I wished he would rein himself in—at least a little.
When Teresa finished, to Janus's obvious disappointment, I set her down. She wasted no time crawling across the room to the overflowing toy box Olivia had given us. One by one, she tossed toys onto the carpet until she found her prize—a silver rattle. She shook it with delight, her laughter filling the room. Alex pressed his face to the crib bars, forgetting his toy horse entirely. Even Janus couldn't help but watch Teresa's joy, though Sera still seemed to see only her father.
When I finally sat beside him again, he glanced at me, a shy smile tugging at his lips. His blue eyes met mine, and for a heartbeat, I was lost in that endless blue. I leaned in and kissed him, slow and deep.
Meanwhile, Sera was squirming in his arms, making sounds of protest. That was when the door opened, and Emma, tightly followed by Olivia, came into view.
“Madam Olivia wanted to help with the invitations…?”
We broke apart in a hurry, but it was already too late. Emma looked scandalized, while Olivia just smiled, all too knowing.
“I think it’s best if we leave you two alone.”
Emma closed the door without a word, and I suddenly wished I could vanish—maybe join a convent somewhere far away, never to be seen again.
It wasn’t until later that I realized, for all my success in getting Janus to stay by my side each night, I still hadn't found the courage to ask him how many children he truly wanted—or when we might start thinking about more.