*Janus*
“So tomorrow is the big day.”
“Sigh, you as well?”
There was only a single day left until the wedding, and it seemed as if everyone had already taken their turn asking the same questions. Now it was Joel's turn. I knew they all meant well, but the constant repetition was beginning to weigh on me, each conversation blurring into the next.
“What do you mean?”
Joel sounded genuinely surprised. On another day, I might have found it funny, maybe even teased him a little, but today I just couldn't bring myself to. My mind felt too crowded, every thought pressing in from all sides, leaving no room for anything else. So I just explained, my voice tired.
“I already had this talk with mom, dad, and pretty much everyone else.”
Joel seemed surprised that so many people had been worried about me. After a moment, though, he just nodded, maybe accepting it a little too quickly.
“And what did they say?”
“Sigh. How proud they are. How happy they are for me and well… to not fuck it up.”
Even little Maggy had wished Ruby and me luck. Or, well, her exact words were that I should be nice to the cat lady. Joel, of course, knew nothing about this. Instead, he seemed intrigued by something else,
“Who said the last part, Jack?”
“No, surprisingly, it was William. Not a single word for months and then just that.”
I don't think I'll ever truly understand William, even though he's my own brother. Sometimes that thought leaves a quiet ache, knowing that Jack is the only one who seems to get him, even when William doesn't say a word.
Joel's next question was probably the one I'd heard almost as often as the first these past few weeks.
“And how are you feeling?”
“I don't know. I'm happier than I have ever been…”
For the last few days, I'd been saying what I thought I was supposed to say, repeating the same lines until they barely meant anything. But this time, I hesitated, my thoughts snagging as the hum of festival preparations drifted in from below. Joel noticed, of course.
"But?"
I fell silent for a while, my eyes drifting to the last of the Star Festival preparations unfolding below the wall. The scattered lanterns and laughter seemed so distant from the turmoil inside. There was something I hadn't told anyone, a truth that had been sitting quietly inside me for weeks. But now, with Joel beside me, the words slipped out before I could stop them.
“She doesn't love me.”
“Pardon?”
Joel looked at me with shock written all over his face, his mouth agape his eyes widened to the size of saucers. I also wasn't sure what compelled me to admit to that. I guess I at least wanted to tell somebody, and it definitely wouldn't have been my parents. Jack wouldn't work either because he would definitely tell on me. As for William, I felt like we couldn't have had a meaningful conversation. So, Joel, it is, I guess. But his asking whether I was serious, forcing me to reiterate what I'd said, made me at least a little angry. So I repeated myself with a bit more force than I meant to,
“As I said, she doesn't love me!”
Joel stepped a bit closer, his expression softening with genuine worry, and put his hand gently on my trembling shoulder,
“No, I heard you alright the first time. I just don't understand. I mean, even a blind guy could tell that you two are…”
I brushed Joel's hand off my shoulder, irritation prickling beneath my skin, and walked to the far side of the wall. The evening air was cooler there, and in the distance, the Ibasan Fortress stood silent between the mountains, unmoving as always.
How did I end up here? I know I should feel lucky, marrying someone I love when so many nobles never even get that chance. But the ache in my chest won't let me settle for gratitude alone. Wanting more feels selfish, like I'm asking for something I shouldn't, but I can't help it. I want no, I need her to love me back. The thought gnaws at me every night: what if she never does?
In the past, the Ibasans were all I cared about. Our mortal enemy, just a stone's throw away. I used to laugh at lovestruck teenagers, and now here I was, hopelessly in love with a woman who didn't even love me back. I knew Joel wasn't to blame; no one was, really, but I couldn't hold myself back anymore as my repressed anger flared up. It felt as if I didn't say it now, I might never say it at all.
“Well, she can't! Why should I care how others see it if she herself doesn't?!"
Joel reached out again, hesitated, then sat down beside me with a sigh heavier than before. He leaned in slightly, voice quieter, as if trying to shield our conversation from the world beyond the parapet. His presence felt steadier now, like he was determined not to let me spiral alone.
“Keep it down, would you? After all, you wouldn't want somebody to hear you. I know I'm not really someone to talk about this, my luck with women is well, I guess you already know, even worse than Jack's, but…”
Joel paused, looking into the distance before finding his voice again and awkwardly continued,
“You know when you died and all… the look in Ruby's eyes at the moment…”
Talking about it always felt strange, as if it hadn't really happened. Dying wasn't at all how I imagined it would be. It was calm, quiet, almost peaceful in a way that unsettled me. What really frightened me, however, was that the whole time I had this quiet sense that everything would be alright. Right up until Ruby's soul grabbed my hand, I was fine with dying, even though I never had been before.
All of it left me uneasy, so I hurried Joel along, not wanting to linger on those thoughts any longer than I had to.
“Come on, spit it out, what are you on about?”
“There is just no denying that she does love you, even if she is too stupid to see it.”
I wished I could believe it as easily as he did. For him, it seemed so simple.
“Don't make that face. You know Ruby for how long? Eight, maybe nine months, during which she had been unable to talk properly for two, you have been away for three, and engaged for four. She just doesn't know you, and you don't know her either. She is constantly nervous, in a completely new place, and seems to be constantly afraid of people finding out her 'oh so terrible secrets'. Whatever they might be.”
Even if he was right, something about the way Joel spoke about Ruby's worries made something twist inside me. He must have noticed, because he hurried to explain himself.
“What I want to say is that what isn't now can still happen. And after tomorrow, you too have your whole life together to figure it out.”
Our whole life together… The words felt heavy and strange, filled with hope and uncertainty all at once.
That seemed to be Joel's cue to end the conversation. He started to walk away, and I found myself still half lost in thought as I called after him,
“Thanks for listening to me and stuff.”
Joel stopped right after hearing what I said. I thought he might have more to say, but he just began to laugh.
“Hahaha 'and Stuff'? Hehehe!”
“Urgh, eat a dick!”
“What are brothers there for, anyway, right?! Hahaha!"
And just like that, for a moment, my worries faded. It was just my brother and me, laughing at each other, tossing half-baked insults back and forth.