NSFW
We finally stumbled out of the carriage, and Janus kept me close, guiding me all the way to our bedroom. I could barely keep my eyes open, half-asleep and clinging to his arm like a lifeline. I’ve never been one for parties or crowds, but I didn’t expect tonight to leave me feeling so wrung out. Everything seemed to happen at once, and of course, it had to be our family at the center of it all. Why couldn’t it have been someone else’s house under the spotlight for once? Maybe I only have myself to blame, throwing my magic around without thinking. I used to imagine trading mana for favors and coin, but when someone is bleeding right in front of you, how could I just turn away? I suppose I’ve already earned House Yuwen a bunch of goodwill, judging by the grateful looks I caught here and there.
When we finally made it to our room, Janus gently laid me down on the bed and closed the door behind us. He undressed in the soft glow of the moon, leaving only his sun necklace, then slid in beside me, his hands warm as he helped me out of my dress. It felt like such a waste not to have worn it properly tonight, but maybe I’ll get another chance—maybe at a gathering of our own, where I won’t have to worry about stealing someone else’s moment.
Janus fumbled with the hidden buttons for a while, his fingers clumsy with tiredness, before finally pulling the dress over my head. He started working on the knots of my corset while I busied myself with hairpins and makeup, slipping off earrings and necklaces one by one. I placed everything carefully on the nightstand, except for the moon necklace, which I couldn’t bring myself to take off. When the corset finally came loose, I could breathe again, and I slipped out of the rest of my undergarments feeling lighter and a little more like myself.
As I tried to settle in for sleep, something pressed insistently against my back beneath the sheets. I tried to ignore it, and Janus didn’t push it, just wrapped his arms around me, his hand brushing over my chest before coming to rest on my stomach. He curled around me, warm and steady, his breath slow against my neck. My nipples brushed against the fabric, sensitive and aching, a little darker and fuller since I started nursing. I could feel my throat go dry, and suddenly, sleep was the last thing on my mind.
Eventually, I gave up pretending and rolled over, meeting Janus’s surprised eyes—he must have thought I was already half asleep. I straddled him, letting my bare skin slide against his, grinding my hips until I could feel the full, hard length of him pressed between my lower lips. His hands found my waist, then my breasts, kneading and teasing, his thumbs circling my nipples until I was gasping, desperate with trickles of milk sliding down my chest. The room filled with the soft, wet sounds of our bodies and my breathless moans as I rocked against him. I needed him, needed to feel him inside me, needed him to lose himself in me.
I reached down, guiding him to me, then sank down onto him, feeling every thick, throbbing inch stretch me open. My ears rang as he pressed deeper, making my whole body shudder with need. My toes curled, my nails dug into his chest, my back arched as pleasure crashed over me, relentless and raw. I rode him, grinding and rising, trying to take every inch, losing myself a little more with every thrust. Our bodies met in a fevered rhythm, and I felt myself unravel, piece by piece, until all I could do was cry out his name.
Soon I was clinging to his chest, my body trembling as waves of pleasure tore through me, crying out with each frantic thrust. Janus held me tight, his hips pounding up into mine in a desperate, hungry rhythm. I felt him thicken inside me, every muscle tight, and just when I thought he might finally give in, he pulled out, groaning as he spilled himself hot and thick across my butt and the sheets, leaving me empty and desperate for the warmth he wouldn’t give.
A quiet sadness crept in, curling around my heart. I couldn’t help but wonder, again, why he was being so careful. He was so happy when he found out the twins were his—so why does it feel like he doesn’t want any more? I could ask him, I know I should, but the thought of his answer makes me hesitate. What if he really doesn’t want more children? Or worse, what if he just doesn’t want… any more with me? These ugly thoughts wouldn’t leave me alone, and I lay there, hoping that if I just slept on it, everything would feel lighter in the morning. But sleep wouldn’t come.
Janus was already snoring softly beside me. I slipped out of bed, pulled a nightgown over my head, and tried to tame my tangled hair with my fingers. And went to see the twins, hoping to distract myself a bit. But really I just wanted to see them. I closed our door quietly behind me and crept down the hall to the children’s room next to ours, easing the door open as quietly as I could.
Inside, Emma was sitting close to the wall we shared with our bedroom, the last stub of a candle casting flickering shadows across her face. She had a book in her lap, but her attention seemed elsewhere—her head tilted, as if she’d been listening for something through the wall. The book nearly tumbled to the floor when she jumped at the sound of the door. Her hand darted out from beneath her skirt just in time to catch it. When she realized it was only me, she relaxed, though her cheeks flushed with embarrassment, as if I’d caught her at something secret.
I whispered to her
“Sorry I couldn’t sleep. Can I watch the kids tonight?”
Emma gave me a look I couldn’t quite read, then quickly covered it with a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. She stood, smoothed her skirt, and slipped out without a word, careful not to make a sound, her book clutched tightly in her hand.
She was acting strange, but I was too tired to care. I let it go and padded over to the co-sleeping bed, flanked by two little cribs. Teresa was sprawled on her stomach, a thin blanket draped over her, drooling into the sheets. The twins were curled up together in the other crib, each with the other’s thumb in their mouth. I lay down beside them, slipping my hand through the bars to rest my palm over them, feeling the soft flutter of their heartbeats. Only then did sleep finally find me.