I flew upwards immediately after spotting him. I was going so fast that my soul started to look like a golden ray of light against the tapestry of the setting sun. Running on nothing but sheer will and the copious amounts of mana Benjamin was sending my way.
Janus’ soul was beginning to turn transparent. Fading away to the afterlife with every second.
It didn’t really matter where a soul went after death; they would reach the pantheon of their belief sooner or later. So why was it my first decision to look for Janus’ soul up in the sky? Because that’s where the sun and moon gods reside, according to the Armentis faith. So, Janus’ soul subconsciously went towards the skies.
I was going as fast as I could, racing against the laws of time and death themselves, and I almost didn’t make it, but in the last moment, when his soul began to flicker between realms, I reached him.
And as my hand reached his, instantly his soul was anchored in this realm. I felt relieved, but only for a second, as I flew back down, dragging Janus with me. The last mana Benjamin had sent me wasn’t as much as the previous few, which indicated that he was running low as well. I was out of time; I had to get back before I ran out, or both of us might be lost.
In these last moments, I thought about the people I would leave behind. Rika would be fine… no, she would cry even more about us than she cried when it was just Janus. Otto would be happy that his secret was saved again… who am I kidding, he would definitely be sad about losing someone with whom he could empathize after being alone with his feelings for decades. And Benjamin… maybe he would curse me for throwing my life away for Janus, but couldn’t even agree to marry him, though I still believe that I love neither. But there is no way he would be happy; he would most likely cry, too.
But that wasn’t the worst of it all.
My children would grow up even without me. Benjamin would, at the very least, be capable of keeping my body alive until they were born. But they would never meet their mother, who had recklessly thrown her life away in a futile attempt to save their father. They would have neither of us, but I hoped that, at the very least, their father’s family would look out for them.
I hate that future, I hate all of it.
For the first time in a long while, I didn’t back down, I didn’t run away or hide behind lies or choose the easy way out.
I want to live!
I want Janus to live!
I want to meet our children!
I want to laugh in death’s uncaring face!
Fuck that gloomy future! I will carve my own!
With this newfound determination, I suddenly felt much lighter and finally reached my goal. Our souls flew back down through the storage room’s ceiling, and before Jnaus could even understand what was happening, his soul was already back in his body. I could see him take his first breath before everything went dark around me.
I woke up after what felt like an eternity.
I found myself in a seemingly endless maze of corridors. The floor and walls were a matte grey, perfectly straight, with no bumps or color changes. I couldn’t see the ceiling no matter where I looked. The only thing I saw was an oppressive, endless sea of darkness that felt like it would fall down any moment, ready to engulf everything. And despite the absence of any light source, I could see without issue. There were no shadows. Not even beneath myself.
I had a weird feeling of familiarity, as if I had been here before.
I wore nothing but a simple white gown.
I tried to find an exit, but found only more corridors. But after a while of endless walking, I felt a change. The corridor became wider and wider until it ended on a large clearing that I couldn’t even see the end of.
In the middle of said clearing, I could see a little... girl? She was playing with two figurines and a miniature castle. Her hair was white, just like her clothes. I approached the little girl, but the closer I got, the more wrong it felt. Her skin was as white as snow with weird, irregular bumps everywhere. Her hands and feet, peeking out from under her dress, ended in tentacles and writhing flesh, constantly changing, always moving.
“Uweh.”
Scared of the unfamiliar sight, I let out an involuntary yelp and took a step back.
“Oh, look who finally showed up.”
The little girl’s head turned, revealing the poor imitation of a face she wore. Her body had multiple mouths opening all around her, taking turns speaking before returning to an unsettling grin of monstrous teeth. The same was true of her many red eyes, which took turns looking at me and everything around her, like a chameleon. The only thing that was where it belonged was her hair and her “nose,” or at least that’s what I believed that fleshy lump in the middle of her face to be.
In horror, I try to look away but find myself unable. No matter what I do, my eyes always return to the grotesque figure as if I’m drawn to it. So instead, I move my attention to the rest of the scene. In her finger-like claws and suction cups lay the two pearly white figurines that had a shocking resemblance to Janus and me? And if I look at the castle behind her, it looks exactly like the fort. I could even see where she had removed the storage room’s ceiling, where there were even more figurines that… looked just like Otto, Rika, Collin, Benjamin, Joel, and Wilhelm.
She was replaying Janus’ death scene!
“Are you going to just stand there staring at me, big sis?” The little girl asked me, bored, before adding much more enthusiastically, “Or did you come here to play?”
“I ehm… I didn’t come here to play. I’m just looking for a way out.”
“A way out? Are you dumb? You made this place. So if anyone knows how to get out, it should be you, right?”
“I made this?” I asked sarcastically
But the “little girl” just nodded.
“Do you really have no idea?”
“Nope. So, since you have nowhere else to go, do you wanna play?”
Again, with the playing. At least she is behaving like a little kid; she is already reminding me of my nieces.
She looked at me expectantly, but I just turned around looking for clues around the clearing. She seemed really disappointed… at least that’s what it felt like before she just continued to play while grumbling. I started to feel a little guilty, but before long, her grumbling turned to singing, and her voice changed for every different figurine.
Meanwhile, I was checking every nook and cranny of this clearing. But I found nothing except for one corridor that was different. Unlike the others, it was lined with black obsidian doors. Eagerly, I ran towards the first one. But behind it, I find the old room I had on earth with my old bed, my old wallpaper, and even the old Muffy carpet. The room was littered with toys, turning the kids’ room into a minefield of wooden animals, building bricks, and pencils.
But when I tried to look out the window, I saw nothing but a white void.
Then the door leading to my room opened again, and a little boy ran inside. I couldn’t have been older than five at the time. My younger self opened a small chest, emptied even more building bricks onto the already littered floor, and began to build a big, colorful robot.
I stayed for a few more minutes watching my younger self play before I made my way out again, back into the grey, colorless corridors.
I opened another door only to see a scene of me helping on our farm. I was in the middle of bringing milk to all the newborn calves who were constantly mooing. They were so eager to drink that they dunked their entire heads into the feeding bowl.
Are these doors my memories?
I looked behind even more doors to prove my hypothesis. And it turned out I was right.
But why is this the only corridor with memories? Could one of these doors be the exit?
And so I opened door after door.
Reliving every single moment of my life once more, but from another perspective. Some memories were so embarrassing that I would have rather not seen them again, but I had to be sure. Some were so sad I burst into tears, and others were so wonderful I didn’t even want to leave. And some made my blood boil with rage. Sometimes to others, but mostly to myself. I knew I made some mistakes, but it became only more obvious how many once I saw them all again. I wanted to punch my younger self for not seeing the writing on the wall sooner, but no one, not even gods, can turn back time.
Then I reached a different door.
This one was sealed in white chains. This door felt menacing as if the devil himself was waiting beyond it, but… I had to get out, I have to.
I steeled myself and hesitantly put my hand around one of the chains in an attempt to take them off, when a child’s voice rang in my ears from right behind me.
“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
To say I was scared would be an understatement. I was terrified!
“What who is th…!”
Right behind me was the “little girl” again.
Sigh, not that I’m really relieved or anything, but despite her unusual appearance, I didn’t really feel any kind of hostility from her.
“I gave you a good scare, didn’t I hehehe. Wanna play hide and seek? Okay, you go first. One, Two, Three,…”
Hide and seek what?
But she had already closed her many eyes.
“No, I don’t want to play any…” Despite my protest, she just continued.
“…Eight, Nine, and Ten I’m coming!”
She opened her eyes, ready to look for me, only to be disappointed when she still saw me standing right in front of her.
“Hey, this isn’t how you play the game, idiot. You have to hide, and I have to look for you. How about it, you will be the first seeker, and I will hide. You just have to count to ten and then look for me, okay?”
She was already trying to run off, hiding when I stopped her by clutching the hem of her dress.
“Hey, Ouch, don’t pull on my hair, you big old meanie.”
“Hair?” Only now I noticed that her dress wasn’t a dress at all, it was… her own hair.
Ew…
“Ehm, sorry, anyway, I don’t have time to play. Can you tell me what you meant when you said I shouldn’t open this door?”
“I don’t know, it’s just last time you showed up, you sealed that door yourself.”
“I sealed it?”
I couldn’t remember ever doing something like that.
“Mh. And you were crying a lot.”
Wait, I was so sad about this memory that I sealed it away, but I can’t even remember that I sealed something in the first place? And what was it that made me so upset? I was very sure that everyone important to me was still alive when I died, and I had already seen the memories of when my grandparents died, so what could have made me this upset?
Whatever it is in the past, anyway. Right now, I have to focus on getting back.
“But I have to, maybe it’s the exit.”
“No, it’s not those, they’re all just memories you can’t get out by seeing all that old stuff. You really know nothing, you dummy.”
“Then, is there really no way out? People are waiting for me. I have to get back.”
“Mmh, I could show you, I suppose, if…”
“You can?”
She showed me her widest grin yet and finished with,
“…If you play with me.”
…
Sigh, I knew it.
“Okay, fine, I will play with you.”
She raised both her hands in the air, spun around, and said,
“Wuhu, okay, hide and seek just like we talked about.”
Then she ran off on her bare feet, sprinting over the smooth floor.
“But just one time and without changing hiding places!”
“Okay!”
Good, with all these doors and corridors, it would otherwise take me years to find her.
“Sigh, One… Two, Three, Four,… Ten”
And of course, when I opened my eyes, I couldn’t see her anywhere.
But I already knew where she was. Do you know where she is?
And a few seconds later, I found her.
“Ah man, how did you know I was hiding here?”
“It’s the one memory with the most toys.”
You guessed right, she was in my old kids’ room, building a massive wooden railway through the entire room. As for my younger self, he never even noticed me, much like any of the other people in my memories, but he played with her. He even referred to her sometimes as sister, friend, or cousin. He even waved her when she left.
“Do the two of you often play together?”
“Mh, back then you were fun.”
“Only back then?”
“Mh, later you got stupid.”
Ouch.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t refute her words.
“So now, just as promised, show me the way out.”
“Mmmh, don’t wanna.”
“Eh? Are you a liar?”
“I’m not a LIAR!”
“Then keep your promise.”
“humpf… FINE! Just use your stupid desire or whatever to get out!”
“Stupid! Big! SIS!”
And then she ran off crying.
Sigh, would my kids also be so… tirering?
Well, I got to give it to her, even with all her weirdness, I already felt attached. So, I yell after her,
“Next time I will play with you again, I promise!”
For a few seconds, nothing happened until her head poked out behind a corner.
“Really? You will play with me again?”
“Yes, big sis promises to play with you once again the next time I come here.”
“Two times!”
“Okay!”
Then she hurriedly ran away again, but not with tears coming out of her many eyes, but giggles out of her many mouths instead.
Cute.
But now to the real trouble…
My desire, huh? So, the same way I got out of God’s realm…
I mean, this isn’t God’s realm, but it definitely feels familiar.
Well, it won’t take as long as last time since I already did it once and now… I feel like I finally got a clue.
I sat down and began to focus until.
*crack*