The ceremony would take place outside, beneath the open sky, on a tall grassy hill from which you could see all of Roots spread out below, with a few lonely farmhouses dotting the horizon. Not a single cloud dared to show itself, so at least I didn't have to worry about a sudden downpour.
Adelheid finished her work far too early, leaving me with nothing to do but wait for the ceremony, hours stretching out before me with nothing to fill them.
I tried to calm myself, to think of something pleasant, anything at all, but my mind stubbornly refused to cooperate.
What if he changes his mind?
Nothing scared me more right now. I kept telling myself it was normal to be afraid, that maybe it even meant something good, but that didn't make the fear any less real. I knew, logically, that he loved me; he said so often enough, always with those gentle words about how beautiful or kind I was. But none of it felt true. I hadn't earned any of it. That old saying about beauty requiring pain never seemed to apply to me. Even my so-called charity was just me trying to find a place, a bit of safety, so I wouldn't be thrown out or locked away. In the end, I felt like nothing but a fraud.
I don't deserve his love.
How could I possibly give him the love he deserved?
No matter what I tried, that thought clung to me. Even when I reminded myself that I had risked my life for him, that I had my first time with him, that all my best memories were with him, the doubt never really left.
Would I end up hurting him? Or would he hurt me?
I found myself thinking back to that friend who promised to stay in touch and never did. My first crush, who moved away and never wrote, even though she said she would. Or that girl at summer camp who stopped talking to me after it was over, even though we were in the same class.
I kept spiraling until I realized something: I never called them back, either. I never wrote those letters, never reached out again. It wasn't just them ignoring me; I was just as guilty. I always waited for someone else to make the first move, and when no one did, we drifted apart. Maybe I was just too much of a coward. And now, when someone finally did reach out, all I could do was worry that they might turn out just like me.
The last few months had been like a dream come true. My deepest desire, the Desire that allowed me to be reborn as Ruby, the Desire to fall in love, is closer than ever, and I'm still too scared to just stretch out my hand and take it. If it turned out they didn't love me after all, if it was all just a trick, I don't think I could bear it. I already knew what it was like to live without love, but now that I've tasted it, I can't imagine going back.
I was still tangled up in my own spiral of worries and insecurities when it was finally time to leave.
In the main courtyard, a large festive wagon waited for us brides, open to the sky and covered in flowers—red, orange, yellow, everywhere I looked. Beside it stood another wagon, this one dressed in blue, purple, and white blooms. Each wagon had two horses, their manes and tails braided with even more flowers.
As I stepped into the courtyard, a few surprised gasps rippled through the crowd, pulling me out of my tangled thoughts for a moment.
It seemed Rosalia and Adelheid had truly outdone themselves.
I tried to hide my embarrassment and stepped onto the wagon with as much confidence as I could gather, not wanting to give anyone a reason to worry. I was the first bride to arrive, but soon the others joined me, all of them glowing in their dresses, full of excitement and anticipation. It was the opposite of how I felt inside. Some tried to chat with me, but my mind was too crowded, so I just nodded and answered without really listening. I knew it was rude, but it was all I could manage.
That was, at least, until Janus arrived. He came with the other grooms, but I couldn't look at anyone else.
His suit fit him perfectly. The dark fabric edged with silver made him look like a piece of night caught in a silver mirror, and the blue coral buttons matched his eyes exactly. His hair was slicked black, and he looked more confident and dashing than ever, but that vanished as soon as he saw me. He just stood there, staring, completely transfixed. It took Joel, who was right behind him, to finally give him a push and break the spell.
“Pffff!”
A small giggle slipped out before I could stop it, surprising even myself. While my heart was thumping in my chest.
Once we were both seated and everyone else had arrived, the wagons began to move, side by side, keeping perfect pace. I tried to sneak another look at Janus, only to find him already watching me. In that moment, it felt like I was the only thing in the world that mattered to him. All my worries vanished, swept away in the wind, like a long forgotten dream.
While Janus and I kept stealing glances at each other, the wagons rolled slowly through the crowd of guests lining the street. People tossed flowers and colorful ribbons into the air, dressed in their finest, all of them smiling. They followed us all the way to the hill.
When we finally arrived, I saw two huge unlit bonfires and a wooden dance platform set a little way off, surrounded by rows of empty tables. And flowers, so many flowers, everywhere I looked.
When I turned my head back to Roots, I could see a long line of less-decorated wagons bringing in food, as well as young kids and even the elderly. It seems that truly all of Roots would partake, even if some didnt know any of the couples who would get married. There simply wasn't much else to do in the countryside, not to mention the free food and alcohol.
While I was still taking it all in, the guests began to fill the hill, splitting into two groups, men on one side, women on the other, with the bonfires between them. Everyone held a small candle, and some of the children were already begging their parents to let them light theirs, only to pout when told to wait. Through it all, Janus kept looking at me. He was so focused that he didn't even notice his brothers teasing him or his parents laughing heartily at his obvious distraction. I just hoped this wouldn't become a habit, though it seemed to be one already.
Everyone was here. Rika waved to me from across the crowd. Benjamin had found his best mantel and managed a reluctant smile. Otto stood beside him, trying not to laugh at something only he seemed to know. Joel, Jack, William, Avarel, Wilhelm, Olivia, Maya (who was, of course, reading a thin booklet sigh), Julia with little Fiona, and little Maggie with her mother Emilia, both girls busy scattering flower petals everywhere and stuffing them into everyone's pockets when they weren't looking.
All of his family was here, except Anna, and honestly, that was probably for the best.
I spotted all my students huddled together. Matt and Juan were fighting again, of course. Juan was trying to light Matt's candle with some new spell, but Matt wasn't having any of it. On the other side, Felicia was already getting ready to dump a pile of earth over both of them if they didn't settle down soon.
I did my best to pretend I didn't know them.
That was when Adelheid and Emma came up behind me, carrying a small pouch and my half of the wedding band. The pouch held the Sun Necklace I would give to Janus, and my half of the band itself was pitch-black, trimmed with blue and silver thread, and embroidered with a silver moon in all its phases against a blue background. I had almost forgotten about them entirely.
And they weren't a moment too soon, because just then Seymour Cowel arrived, right as the sun touched the horizon and the ceremony was about to begin.