“Ruby. Do you want to marry me?”
…
…?!
What the heck? He wants to marry me. Me? Why, what is wrong with him? And… I guess he wasn’t the first that would have been Benjamin, but what is going on recently? Why do I have two guys proposing to me? Is it my face? I knew that making myself too beautiful could backfire, but I hadn’t imagined it to go this bad.
I mean, sure, we already were friends before I ruined everything. I’m pregnant with his children, and I brought him back to life, but I don’t see why he would…
…
But what do I say? He really loves me, I can see it in his eyes, but it’s not mutual… I think.
I mean, I still don’t feel anything. Sure, I’m happy that he is alive, but I don’t have any desire to spend the rest of my life with him. Not that that would be bad or anything. I could even imagine it working out somehow, but this isn’t the kind of magical butterflies in my stomach kind of love that I always dreamed of, that I had always desired.
Where is the yearning, the passion? Why am I still feeling so empty? The only thing I felt when he laid out his heartfelt feelings in front of me was guilt and a gnawing sense that I’m forever undeserving of him, and of his forgiveness. I feel like I get rewarded instead of punished for taking advantage of him.
Janus seemed to notice my hesitation, and his eyes began to look at me with desperation. I saw the very desperation for love that I lacked in his eyes.
“Janus I… I don’t deserve this. I can’t do this to you. You shouldn’t have to suffer just because of what I did; you should have had a choice. A choice I took from you, I…I…”
Again, I began to cry. These stupid tears just wouldn’t stop. I’m the criminal here, I’m the one who did something wrong, how dare I keep on crying? How dare I keep invoking all this undeserved sympathy from the people around me?
But these thoughts only made the tears thicker.
“Ruby. I wish I could go back and just propose to you on the spot. But we both know that that is impossible; we can only move forward. And I want to go forward with you and no one else. I would choose you even if you weren’t pregnant, even if that night never happened. I can tell you that if you had kissed me that night while I was sober, I still would have wanted us to end up in my bedroom.”
Janus stood up from his kneeling position and sat down right next to me while still holding onto my hand. He gently caressed my hand and continued to say,
“But I’m glad it happened.”
“What?”
Glad? How? Why?
Janus answered my question by quoting me,
“It made me make up my mind, and after thinking about it for a long time, I also believe that I couldn’t live without you.”
I stared at him. Never in my life has someone said these words to me. I realize that I had always wanted to hear them.
“Ruby, I have forgiven you, my father has forgiven you, even my mother, and all my siblings have forgiven you. You really should have seen her when I told her that she would become a grandmother. I think I haven’t seen my mother this happy in years. So now that everyone has forgiven you, will you forgive yourself?”
Forgive myself… can I really do that?
“I… I don’t know if I can honestly. My whole life, I have looked down on and even hated people who would do everything just for sex, and now I… I’m faced with the reality that I’m one of them.”
I thought this was what he wanted to hear, but Janus just looked disappointed.
“Why are you so convinced that it was just for sex? If you were only interested in that, then there would have been others before me, right? Is it just that guilt that is holding you back, or is there something else?”
He is really cornering me here. He had three weeks to prepare for this conversation, and he really made the most of them. But I had already made up my mind,
I won’t lie anymore. Not to him.
“I’m worried about you. I-I don’t… I don’t love you, Janus. And I’m worried that you will become unhappy if we were to marry.”
I didn’t want to be so blunt, but I had to say it eventually. His shoulders shuddered, and I could see how much it hurt him to hear me say it. I expected him to let go of my hands and be disappointed, but instead, his grip became firmer, and I could see annoyance flare up in his eyes.
“Ruby, I know that you believe that you don’t love me, but not everyone falls in love right away. Sometimes it takes time to understand one’s feelings; they don’t come right away. Even I needed months to understand what I was feeling for you. Could you allow me to prove it to you?”
Does he really want to marry me this much? Then I told him what I had been holding inside me all along,
“But what if I stop loving you? What if you stop loving me? What then? What if…”
“Ruby, look at me. I won’t, that’s what a wedding vow is for. And believe me, I’m not like my father. I will never ever stop loving you.”
And again I began to cry. Why do I have to cry from such a corny line?
“Y-You! That’s just unfair!”
But this time, my tears didn’t make him frown; instead, he began to laugh.
“Hehehe, didn’t you notice? You not loving me wasn’t even one of your what-ifs.”
He leaned closer to me until his head was resting on top of mine, and almost whispered.
“You know, there is something my mother wanted me to tell you. She said, ‘Ruby, will you forever be too scared, or will you finally hear your heart’s intuition. People aren’t born just to die.”
My heart’s intuition… my heart is still, but in my mind, I could see a thought forming. Will I ever get such an opportunity again? I have met so many people, and never have I felt anything. And none of them tried so hard so earnestly to convince me to give them a chance. How high are the odds that I will ever find someone like Janus again? How many years would I have to wait for just one? A decade? A century? A millennium? If I can’t find the love I have been desiring with him, I will never find it with anyone.
We had talked for so long that the brazier had gone cold, and the first rays of sunlight began to flood my room, warming our backs. I wiggled myself out from beneath Janus’s head that still rested on top of mine and looked him directly in his eyes. And as the sunlight hit his ice-cold blue eyes, they began to dance like warm blue flames in the sun.
“Yes.”
“Huh?”
“The answer is yes, yes, I will marry you.”
